The Premise
by Cherie Dee
Summary: Short, individual Bleach fics inspired by clichés featured in romancetrashy novels. Multiple het pairings, no pairings, andor occasional crack.


**A/N:** Being a longtime reader of romance/trashy romance novels, I've noticed that many of the books being published have recurring themes or ideas. Of course, they're only trying to follow the trends, but there are times that too many of the same darn themes/ideas appear on the shelf.

So I thought I'd make a small set of drabbles and/or short fics surrounding those ideas/themes.

And I'd like to thank my sister, who gave me the inspiration for this…her set of drabbles for Detective Conan is around chick flick clichés.

**#1: THE PACT**

_A.K.A. 'a group of single men make a bet to stay single or promise to give up something if they do get married'_

**Rating:** R for Ikkaku & Renji's mouths

**Pairing:** If you want to see it, Renji/Rukia…and there's the potential of another pairing…when you get to the second part, you'll know who…

**Characters:** _Renji, Ikkaku, Kira, Yumichika, Hisagi (mentions of other shinigami who don't make appearances)_

"Did you hear that Hiroshi is getting married?" Yumichika asked.

Ikkaku paused in drinking his sake. "Who?"

Yumichika smiled indulgently. "He's in our division. Just graduated from the academy. The one with excellent hygiene."

Ignoring the last statement, Ikkaku frowned. "He's getting married already?"

Renji shook his head. "It's too early for that."

"There is nothing wrong with getting an early start on happiness," Kira spoke up.

The men were sitting outside the 11th Division headquarters during lunch. Considering that they had hectic schedules, it was rare for them to actually get together in groups larger than two.

"I guess," Ikkaku scowled. "Some people start early, other people take forever." With that, he lowered his left arm to swipe at Renji with his bokken.

Renji merely caught the weapon, wrenched it from his grasp and tossed it several hundred yards behind him.

"What the hell!" Ikkaku exclaimed, glaring at him.

"You want it back, you go get it!"

"You don't just take someone else's-"

"Quiet," Hisagi spoke up before Ikkaku and Renji could continue. Then he turned to Yumichika. "So how does the 11th Division plan to celebrate this?"

"It's not a party with gifts or stuff. Well…yeah…there's food and gifts…" Ikkaku answered. And as if it was the most natural thing to say, he continued, "Then we'll beat him up a couple times."

Yumichika smiled knowingly. "You have no plans to marry?"

"Hell no!" Ikkaku retorted. "If I ever got married, I'd give up my lucky dance."

Kira nearly choked on his drink. Ikkaku's 'luck-luck' dance was quite famous in a few circles. The idea of him giving up such a 'quirk' of his…he wasn't serious, was he?

Renji laughed. "Now that'd be funny."

Ikkaku crossed his arms over his broad chest. "You should give up something too if you ever get married."

Renji narrowed his eyes. "I don't have a problem getting married."

"If I may say, Abarai-kun," Kira cleared his throat. "There is something called 'family blessing'…"

"I said I don't have a problem getting married, okay!"

Kira immediately looked away. "Of course."

Hisagi sighed, shaking his head.

"So?" Ikkaku stared at Renji. "If you got married, what would you give up?"

As Renji shrugged, Yumichika spoke up, "I would give up a shower a day."

Silence.

"The hell?" Ikkaku fixed a stare at him. "You shower ten times a day…how the hell is that a sacrifice?"

At that, Kira looked back and forth between the two seated shinigami. "How do you know that he showers that often?"

Hisagi had to turn away to hide his smile while Renji didn't even bother to hide his smirk.

"He only brags about it!" Ikkaku declared.

"And it's not ten," Yumichika corrected, nose in the air. "It's six. So I would shower only five times a day."

"That's stupid!" Ikkaku exclaimed.

"So is your dance," came the reply.

"You shut the hell up-"

"I'm giving up something, aren't I?" Yumichika interrupted matter-of-factly, ignoring Ikkaku's continuous rants about giving up a single shower from a multiple set of showers was pointless and not 'manly' enough of a sacrifice.

All this of course, being said by a man who dances on his toes before he begins a fight.

"Abarai-kun should get his tattoos removed," Kira suggested.

Bad idea. Because Kira instantly was at the receiving end of skyrocketing reitsu from the 6th Division's vice captain. Immediately regretting his words, Kira lowered his gaze.

But the general consensus agreed that the tattoos should be gone.

Not liking the turn of the conversation, Renji crossed his arms. "Fuck you all. I earned these tattoos, they're not coming off. You don't see me saying you should give up being an officer."

"Then how about not getting any more?" Kira said.

Again, the consensus agreed.

"Fine," Renji growled. "No more tattoos."

"I would cut my hair," Kira offered.

Everyone turned to the last man who had yet to sacrifice something valuable if his marital status changed.

Hisagi thought for a moment. "I have a small…very small collection of necklaces and bracelets…?"

-0-0-

Several weeks had gone by, and the officers had been assigned to missions. However, it was decided that during their next spare lunch break, they'd all meet at the 6th Division headquarters – it was a change of pace compared to the 11th Division.

"Kuchiki-taichou had me doing stupid errands so far," Renji said as he paused during his meal. "I was running all over the damn…" He trailed off, his eyes on the newcomer who just came into view. "What the hell?"

Yumichika, Ikkaku, and Hisagi turned to see Kira timidly approach. His light blond hair was cut very short at the crown, nape, and ears. His bangs were much shorter now…only several inches away from his head instead of dropping low to cover part of his face.

Yumichika's mouth dropped, forming a silent 'O' before he realized it and closed his jaw.

Hisagi's chopsticks had dropped.

Renji stared in shock.

And Ikkaku started laughing.

"Man…your hair! What the hell happened! You look like-" Ikkaku stopped abruptly in mid-sentence, glancing around at the group. Then he laughed again. "No way!"

"You had an accident, right?" Renji asked, trying not to laugh.

Yumichika studied Kira's new haircut critically before saying, "It isn't _too_ bad…"

"You got married, didn't you?" Renji demanded.

The response was only a wince from the light-haired man as he sat down.

"You don't look very happy," Hisagi commented, after picking a new pair of chopsticks.

"I agree," Yumichika spoke up. "In fact, you look nauseated."

"It was an accident," Kira mumbled.

Ikkaku scowled. "How do you marry on accident?"

Kira buried his hands in his now short hair. "It happened yesterday and I really have no idea …I was on a mission in the living world. Then Hinamori-kun calls me and tells me that she and her group don't have to be back right away. So Matsumoto-san calls her and thinks it would be a good opportunity to visit this Sin City place…and Hinamori-kun calls me to invite me…as long as we didn't interfere with humans, we were free to enjoy some time off…"

"Sin City? What's that?" Yumichika asked.

"Sin City? Oh…there's gambling, drinking, women…"

"Sounds like a vacation place to me," Ikkaku mused aloud.

"So Matsumoto-san suggests we go out. But Hinamori-kun wasn't old enough, apparently…there's something about being twenty-one in human years…I think a person needs to be at least that age or look that age to get anywhere in Sin City…" Kira shook his head. "Then Matsumoto-san goads me into a drinking contest as this…bar. We drank. And before we knew it, we had gotten married by this strange man wearing white sparkling clothes and dark sunglasses."

Silence.

"You're joking, right?" Renji asked suddenly.

Kira held up his left hand. "No…this symbolizes that I'm married." He pulled the ring off and passed it around.

Yumichika tipped the ring towards the sunlight to read the engraving inside the thick, simple gold band. " 'Heartbreak Hotel Chapel…uh-huh! Uh-huh!'?" He glanced at Kira. "That's not a romantic phrase at all…"

"It's the name of the place where we were married." Kira stared at the floor. "I don't know what to do. Is it valid? Shinigami being married according to Sin City law?"

"It can't be that bad," Renji assured. "It's Rangiku-san."

"Hell yeah! Sure she likes picking on people, but…" Ikkaku held his hands up in front of his chest. "At least she's got somethings…"

"There were plenty of those in Sin City in the gambling halls," Kira said quietly.

Ikkaku's jaw dropped. "And people get married there?"

That in itself was just strange to them. So much temptation around…male human temptation, anyway…but the idea alone…that people would get married in such a weird place…

After the small item was passed around, Kira placed the ring back on his finger.

"Does she remember?" Hisagi asked.

Kira nodded. "Yes…she remembers."

"Did she say anything?" Hisagi continued.

"Well…she did say that we'll talk later before sneaking out of my quarters very early this morning…" Kira's eyes widened. "But please don't tell anyone about that-"

"You had your wedding night in your division barracks?" Renji stared at him in shock.

"That's got to be one of the crappiest places!" Ikkaku exclaimed, not realizing that Kira was slowly sinking in embarrassment. "That's as bad as Renji and Rukia-chan having theirs at the Kuchiki House. If they ever did, I mean." He looked at his friend. "Don't ever have your wedding night there-"

"I know that!" Renji shouted. "You think I'd want to be doing _that_ with her and Kuchiki-taichou's down the hall? Hell no! If anything, I'd-"

Everyone felt a powerful reitsu come from within the division headquarters.

Instantly recognizing it, Renji cleared his throat and quickly went back to his meal, grumbling about older brothers, nobility, and what a bad idea it was to have their lunch at 6th headquarters instead of somewhere else.

"You should keep your voice down," Yumichika instructed, examining his features in a mirror before smoothing a long, elegant finger over his brows.

"Shut up."

"Anyway, it's not really a big deal," Ikkaku said matter-of-factly. "Shinigami can't be married under human laws." He frowned in puzzlement. "Right?"

More silence.

"Matsumoto-san acknowledges that the event happened. I suppose that's why we'll meet later today…so we can discuss what to do." Kira shrugged, attempting a smile. "In all honesty, it isn't so terrible of a match. Matsumoto-san is a good friend. And a good officer. She understands the life of a shinigami very well."

If they had to see the positive side of the situation, the men would probably agree with Kira's statement. The 10th Division vice captain was well-liked among other officers, and in spite of Hitsugaya-taichou's complaints about her laziness, it was very clear that they had a strong professional relationship. No doubt she took relationships of any kind seriously and respectfully.

"Well, this sucks," Ikkaku said suddenly. "We could have at least given you a party before you got married…"

"Ah…with all due respect," Kira said, shaking his head. "I don't think so. Parties…aren't for me..."

While Kira did not mind the company of several 11th officers (and former officers), he couldn't see himself blending in very well with more than…oh…five of them. It would be just too overwhelming. So being the honored guest at one of their parties…he shuddered to think about the madness involved.

Besides, it looked like he and Matsumoto-san had to talk. Regardless if their marriage in the human world wasn't valid in Soul Society…alcohol was known to be quite a truth serum, bringing hidden thoughts or feelings to the surface.

Perhaps it was time to see how deep those thoughts or feelings went.


End file.
